My Struggles with Self-Love & Moving Forward

This year I’m on a journey to get fitter and to get healthier, but before I start I wanted to share with you where I am now.

A Little Back Story…

For me, my weight has always been an issue. I could never look at my body & be satisfied with what I saw. I hated my body most days & I hated that I was always the “chubby” or dare I say “fat” friend of all my friends. It was hard growing up. Yes, I was bullied & that bothered me, but I think the most destructive or hurtful thing growing up was myself.

I was constantly comparing myself to others; constantly telling myself that I ‘just had to get thinner’; that my body was awful; that nobody would ever love me because of how I looked. I was my own worst enemy.

I tried not to show it. Some days were good. I could stare in the mirror and smile and feel fabulous. But most days, it was all for show. Deep down I was yelling at my mirror self that I needed to ‘get it together’ and loose the weight. I was ashamed of my body. That shame destroyed me growing up in middle school, high school & even college.

I also developed a bad eating habit where I ended up over-eating a lot. I would turn to food when I was bored, but even more so when I was stressed out. I usually always took the easy way out when it came to food which meant not reaching for healthier options. On the flip side, I’d try diet after diet to ‘lose the weight’ & just end up failing after two weeks.

However, when I moved to Boston late in 2015 to go to grad school, I started to change my eating habits. Yes I’d still reach for the unhealthy, easy meals, but I also started cooking more. I was finally on my own in my own apartment without anyone else around. I could control the grocery shopping & I could control what I ate & when. I ended up really enjoying cooking. I always have in the past, but now I really got to experiment & try eating healthier. I wasn’t always perfect & I didn’t lose a ton of weight, if any. But my relationship with food started to get better. My relationship with myself started to get better.

Finding Self-Love

My year in Boston will be something I’ll always be grateful for. It was the first time I was really on my own. I was in a city where I didn’t know anyone, where I wouldn’t run in to people I knew from my past. I felt more in control of my life even though I also felt a little out of control and nervous. 

Being on my own in a brand new city allowed me to find a crap ton of confidence in myself. Oh hey, I can grocery shop & cook meals & pay bills! I still struggled with things like making new friends & being social. My introverted self was still roaring its head when it came to a social life. Still, I was improving. Over a few months I began to open up more. I began to smile more.

I started up a YouTube account, I began engaging in my hobbies more. I joined some book clubs. I talked with people in class. I was realizing that hey, maybe I’m an okay person.

My time in Boston also lead me to spend some time actually reflecting on myself. I spent time journaling & crying. I allowed myself to learn to be alright with myself. Yes, I still struggled with my body-image & my self-love. But I was progressing; I was learning to love myself.

So Boston, thank you. Thank you for that year I so desperately needed, even though I didn’t know I needed it.

Moving Forward.

When I moved back home to help out my family, I did end up losing a lot of that self-love I gained in Boston. I easily fell into that trap of transitioning back to where you started. It was just so easy since everyone & everything back home seemed like it hadn’t changed, so naturally I must not have changed. I fell back into reaching for unhealthier options because it was easy. I reached for snack food when I was stressed. I fell into that lack of confidence mode around my friends and my new work place. Man it was crushing. I felt like I fell back into the dark hole that I was in before Boston.

Then I sort of broke down.

I spent my birthday weekend crying & not being able to stop. I didn’t know why I was so upset. Then after the weekend passed & after spending time talking with my mom, I realized that a lot of it had to do with that transition from Boston where I had felt confident & where I was growing in self-love & moving towards a healthier me to back home where I saw the lack of progress in everyone else around me.

It was this realization that I had so easily fallen back into my old ways & that I so easily lost my self-love & all that work I did in Boston that has lead me to start over. I still have what I worked so hard in Boston to gain, I just have to remember that. I have to hold strongly on to it & realize that this journey is still happening–that I will still struggle with loving myself & my body, but I will also make progress!

This blog will help me along the way.

Fridays I want to dedicate to my progress of getting healthier & fitter. It has always been a goal of mine to feel stronger & better (actually, no lie, my real goal is to be strong enough to outrun zombies come the zombie apocalypse). But now it’s not about getting ‘thinner’ or ‘losing the weight;’ it’s about feeling healthier inside whether I change my weight or not. It’s about building a better relationship with food & with myself.

So thank you for reading this very lengthy post. I hope you check in to see my progress & join me on my journey. I’d appreciate the support 🙂

Remember to love yourself because you’re worth it & you’re worthy to be loved no matter what your brain or heart might be saying otherwise. You are worthy of love!

Love Always,

Nicole Lynn